Is This Normal? Why the end of an emotionally abusive relationship feels unlike your average breakup
by Gina LaRose, LPC, LMFT
We all know breakups are hard. Whether you’ve been together 5 months or 5 years. Whether it was a divorce or not. Whether or not there were kids involved. Whether you lived together or separately. Whether you got dumped, did the dumping, or it was mutual. It’s still never easy, of course, to have someone eclipsed out of your life. You invested time and energy into this person. You were vulnerable with them. You gave parts of yourself to them, and they likely did the same. It’s no wonder why the end of a relationship can feel like a loss—even a death—and it can take some time to adjust to life without this person. However, not all breakups are cut from the same cloth. While they all include an indeterminable period of adjustment before you’re back on your feet, some relationships take much more time and energy to heal from before you are feeling like yourself again. I am talking about abusive relationships.
So what makes an abusive relationship more difficult to heal from than an average relationship? Let’s start with clarifying what exactly an abusive relationship is. The Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness Education & Action defines relationship abuse as a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. The abuse can be emotional, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation, and intimidation. Abuse tends to escalate over time. When someone uses abuse and violence against a partner, it is always part of a larger pattern of control. The degree to which each person experiences abuse in their relationship is going to differ, but the effects can be long lasting and downright soul destroying. Survivors of abusive relationships often suffer from anxiety, depression, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, even for years after they have left their abusers. There is no form of abuse that is better or worse than the others, but for the sake of this article, we will mostly be discussing the effects of emotional abuse when navigating a breakup.
Typically, the rule of thumb for recovering from a breakup is the longer you were together, the longer the healing time. While this can be true, of course, for abusive relationships as well, even enduring abuse for a short time can have long lasting repercussions on physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well being. Breakups are generally mired with hurt feelings, bruised egos, periods of reflection, self-doubt, insecurities, perhaps self-destructive behavior, and bouts of anxiety and depressed mood. Adjusting to the loss of someone you loved is difficult and requires lots of self-love, support, emotional awareness, and time to navigate. Surviving an abusive relationship certainly includes all of that, but also entails a host of other factors that someone going through a typical breakup may not experience. In this article, I will explain these differences as well as what you can do to assist in the healing process if you have found yourself or someone you love recovering from an abusive relationship.
Because it was so awful
A major reason the ending of an abusive relationship feels unparalleled when compared with the ending of a “normal” relationship is because abusive relationships can end on such awful terms. Normal breakups have their fair share of drama, perhaps arguments, strong words, etc. There may be a big blow up. There may have just been a loss of interest and a mutual decision to part ways. Any way you slice it, breakups are difficult. However, the lows to which an abuser will stoop to hurt you can be mind blowing and leave you wondering if this person ever really loved you at all.
Whether or not you chose to be the one to end things matters very little when you are scurrying away from the situation with little more than the clothes on your back and what’s left of your dignity. That’s if you’re lucky. You may have had to plan behind the scenes to get away from your ex for fear of what would happen if you were caught leaving. It is not uncommon to hear stories from abuse survivors recalling how they were locked out of their homes, their personal items were kept from them, money was inaccessible, family members and friends were turned against them, and the things most precious to them—their children or their pets—were used as pawns, not because the abusers were connected to these things but because the abusers knew these were the things they treasured most in the world.
You may have discovered your partner had affairs behind your back. You may have uncovered that they were living another life, possibly doing drugs, gambling, hiding financial information, or being involved in scandals you knew absolutely nothing about, all while maintaining the façade of being the perfect husband or father to the outside world. If you weren’t aware of their dark side before the breakup, you will certainly learn about it after the fact. Furthermore, because abusers take no accountability, you will never get the answers to the myriad of questions you will undoubtedly have and will have to learn how to process the hurt and anger with zero closure from them.
Typically, because their egos are fueling their every move, and because they cannot take accountability for their behavior, you will very likely undergo the hallmark of an abusive relationship breakup, which is the Smear Campaign. Again, whether or not you chose to end things, the abuser cannot be seen in a negative light and must paint you out to be the problem or “crazy.” You may have found that the smear campaign was going into effect before your relationship even ended. Often, the abuser has planned or sensed that the end was near and began getting their ducks in a row while you were probably unaware that there was even a problem. They will have told lies about you to your families, friends, and colleagues. They may try to tarnish your professional reputation. They may even claim that YOU are abusive. You will certainly be called “crazy,” so that when you finally react to the sheer cruelty of the abuser’s lies and betrayals—no matter how you react—people will think you are crazy. Of course, you will want to prove yourself, have people see your side of things, but it is a losing game. The web of deceit has spread far too quickly for you to keep up with, as this was all part of the abuser’s plan from the moment they decided they were done with you.
Tip: Despite the urge you will undoubtedly feel to defend or prove yourself to others, if they don’t believe you, move along to a support network that does. If you find yourself surrounded by people who want to stay “neutral,” and this is hurtful to you because of the cruelty you have experienced, disconnect from these people. Remind yourself, as often as is necessary, that you are not crazy, you are not abusive, you are not the problem, and you know the truth of the situation. Get support from those who you can trust and tighten up on your inner circle during this time of healing. Focusing less on the abuser and their minions and more on your health and recovery is paramount.
People may not understand
What goes on behind closed doors is sometimes not discussed in the most “normal” of relationships. However, oftentimes the level of confusion associated with the end of an emotionally abusive relationship is bewildering to others when you try to explain what went wrong. Perhaps your relationship was always abusive or has been for a very long time and you never talked about it. Your partner may have had Jekyll and Hyde-like qualities, in that they were charming and charismatic in public but cruel and demeaning at home. If the people around you only ever saw the good side of your ex, it’s very difficult to explain that they were a completely different person when no one was looking.
Perhaps your partner had an on/off switch that they toggled back and forth to keep you on your toes. Maybe they were usually pretty nice, or even very nice, but without warning or prodding, they became vile and hateful. Then, maybe after a few hours or a few days, they would be nice again and say all of the things you wanted to hear, but keeping you guessing as to when the next temper explosion would occur. This is called intermittent reinforcement, and it is a tool in the abuser toolbox, which further perpetuates the vicious cycle of abuse. Rats in cages will continue to press a lever if occasionally a food pellet is dropped into their cage. They never know exactly when the pellet will be dropped, so they just keep pressing the lever in hopes that eventually their behavior will be rewarded with a treat. Occasionally, it is and so they continue to press the lever. The cycle continues. This is the same pattern with an abusive relationship. The abuser occasionally gave you crumbs of affection, compliments, attention, approval, and thus, the cycle continues.
Trying to explain to friends and family that your ex was usually pretty nice but mean sometimes can be confusing not only to them but to you as well. You may get caught asking yourself, “was it really as bad as I thought?” “Should I have left?” “Did I make the wrong choice? “Could I have done more?” “Am I the problem?” No, you couldn’t have done more and yes, you should have left. The cycle would have continued forever, you would have continued to sink further into despair, and the abuse, manipulation, and disrespect would not have ended on their own.
Other reasons you may never have spoken about the abuse could be to protect your partner’s image, to protect yourself or their family from the wrath of your partner if word ever got back to them, or perhaps you were in denial or uneducated about what was really occurring. This is not to say that survivors of emotional abuse are uneducated. They are generally extremely intelligent, creative, empathetic people. It is this empathy that oftentimes is the reason they are taken advantage of by such dangerous partners. However, sometimes it takes months or even years to realize the experiences you had were abusive. This does not make the abuse you experienced any less legitimate. It speaks to the highly creative abuse tactics honed by these master manipulators as well as the harm that can be done to ones self esteem when in an emotionally abusive relationship over time.
Emotional abuse can be covert or overt and can range from name calling to gaslighting and many other things in between. Many of the forms of manipulation and gaslighting used by abusers can leave you questioning your sanity or perhaps thinking you are the abuser. These are all strategies used by abusive partners to continue their disrespectful, inhumane behavior without consequence and accountability. After leaving an abusive relationship, telling your story can be very cathartic, but when others don’t believe you or don’t understand, it can oftentimes be frustrating and invalidating. It can lead you to isolate or even experience suicidal thoughts and actions.
Tip: Find your tribe--whether it’s your family or friends, an online community, a support group in your town, your church, etc. Find your person or people that DO listen to you, DO validate you, DO support you, and ARE there for you…even if it’s just one person or even your pet. They may not have always known what was going on and they may not always understand what happened, but having people listen without judgment or question is so very important. They can also be there to hold you accountable if you are having moments of regretting your decision or if you are about to make a questionable choice that could be detrimental to your recovery. If you don’t have a support system, joining online support groups for emotional abuse recovery can be very cathartic and validating. I have listed some at the end of this article.
It’s off and it’s on
Inevitably, some breakups won’t stick and you may find yourself in an on again/off again situation with your ex. Letting go of a relationship and a person that you loved can be difficult, so it makes sense that keeping things final can be difficult, as well. However, the on again/off again in an abusive relationship is not the same as what may be experienced in a normal relationship. Specifically, a form of back and forth maneuvering used by abusers is known as “hoovering.” This dynamic gets its name from the “suck you back in” nature of the abuser’s behavior, like a Hoover vacuum.
Envision this: You have been dumped by your ex, or maybe you decided to leave because you had had enough of their poor treatment. It could have been a few hours or a few days, possibly longer, since you’ve seen or spoken to them. Then, they pop back up into your life saying and doing all of the right things, pleading for you to come back to them, promising they will stop drinking or cheating or hurting you, wooing you with romantic dinner and vacations, assuring you they will be and do exactly what you’ve been asking for all this time. Next thing you know, you’re hooked--hoovered right back in to this same painful situation with the same abusive partner. Sure, they’ll change for a while, fulfilling their promises and saying and doing the right things. However, this is all a façade and part of the abuse cycle. Once they have reeled you in, it is only a matter of time before they have discarded you again or the abuse kicks back up, and the whole cycle repeats itself.
Some survivors have been hoovered off and on for years. As long as the abuser is getting what they want out of you and out of this dynamic, it will never change. An abuser never changes unless they get serious professional help. This means YOU have to be the one to put an end to the cycle and save yourself from a lifetime of misery.
Tip: Hold yourself accountable for this cycle. Journal. Talk to others—friends, family, a therapist--about what is happening. Sometimes, when we say the hurtful things we are doing to ourselves out loud, it makes us take an inventory of the situation and get some perspective, which forces us to make a change. In addition, educating yourself on abusive relationship dynamics will help you be more aware when you see them occurring in your own life. Read books and articles, find support groups, and seek professional help. Connect with others and know that your experience is not an isolated one.
Second-guessing yourself
I don’t mean second-guessing in the sense that you are wondering if you made the wrong decision to end things or wondering what you could have done differently to try to make things work. Sure, those aspects are present in an abusive relationship breakup, as well, but multiplied by a factor of one thousand. The absolutely horrid way in which you have been treated during your relationship and since your breakup will blindside you in such a way that you will question who this person even is. Surely they are not the same person you’ve spent months, years, or even decades loving. They now treat you with such contempt that you are left wondering if you’ve been imagining the entire course of your relationship and living in a dreamland that never existed.
The questions that linger because of the secrets and lies that have been uncovered can cause extreme psychological distress. Comparing the person you knew, who maybe wasn’t always a monster, with the person you now are dealing with, who seems to want to ruin you, will leave your head spinning. You may think, “Surely he loved me. He said he wanted to have kids with me…But then why did he tell me at the end that I only wanted to be with him so I could have a baby?” Surely the person who always said you were the most wonderful partner out of anyone he’s ever been with couldn’t then tell you how boring you are or how you can’t do anything right anymore. Surely the person who knows your ex cheated on you and how it gutted you couldn’t actually do the very same thing to you. Surely they will and surely they did. The very things used to hold you in such high esteem at the beginning of the relationship will be the very things used to punish you in the end.
Because you entered into this relationship for genuine reasons—to love someone and share a life together—you are hit that much harder by the fact that the person across from you did not. An abuser is not looking for real love or to share his life with someone in the same way that a non-abuser is. Abusers and other toxic people aren’t looking for WHO, they are looking for WHAT. That’s what they can get out of you and what you can do for them. This means attention, adoration, affection, ego boosting, and most importantly, POWER and CONTROL.
The gaslighting and manipulation that you experienced, that the abuser designed specifically to keep you off balance, are now settling in and you are wondering what was real and what was imagined. You begin replaying the entirety of your relationship, like a bad movie, over and over again, trying to figure out what went wrong, when did it go wrong, were they lying this time or that time? At certain points, you may look back and see that you were in denial about the abuse in your relationship. This will trigger a psychological state called Cognitive Dissonance, in which you hold two conflicting beliefs about this person simultaneously. You love them, but you know they have mistreated you. The process of unraveling the web of lies and finding your truth can go on for a very long time, but with professional help and lots of support, you can come out of it better and stronger on the other side.
Tip: Because of the trauma bond that has been formed in this abusive relationship, the psychological distress you experience can be similar to drug addiction and withdrawal. Your mind actually thinks it needs the other person to survive. First, going No Contact is essential to your recovery. If you continue to have the abuser in your life, this will only perpetuate the abusive cycle and keep you tethered to them. By eliminating contact in all forms possible, you are allowing yourself the greatest chance at a strong recovery and new life free from abuse. I also recommend seeking professional help in the area of relationship abuse. In addition, there are specific treatment modalities like EMDR and Sensorimotor Therapy that can be helpful in working with trauma, but having someone to discuss the cognitive dissonance you are experiencing and helping you parse out the fact from the fiction is necessary. In addition, seeking support from trusted sources, like family and friends, is imperative. It is also important to practice lots of self-care and self-love and take it one day (or one moment) at a time. You WILL get through this.
Rebuilding your life
Once you have ended an abusive relationship, you may feel as though a tornado has ripped through your life and thrown each part of it around like a rag doll and you are left to pick up the pieces. Essentially, this is what has happened, except your ex is the tornado and you were the rag doll. You may have had to leave your home and are now experiencing different living circumstances—perhaps living alone or with family again. Maybe you are now struggling to raise your children by yourself or are trying to figure out how to co-parent with your abuser who is now abusing you through your children. You may have spent time trying to salvage what’s left of your reputation after the smear campaign from your ex and his minions has taken effect. This may have had personal and or professional repercussions, possibly loss of business meaning loss of income. You may have financial difficulties because you are now unexpectedly managing the fallout of ending a relationship—perhaps now a single income household or maybe you are having to look for work after having been a stay-at-home parent up until the end of the relationship. You may also be paying legal fees to get a divorce or fight for basic human rights that your ex could not afford you. The list goes on and on.
While the logistical adjustments can rattle you to the core, I believe most survivors would agree that the most heartbreaking aspect of an emotionally abusive relationship is the emotional toll it takes, including the loss of hope. At one point, perhaps up until the very end, you had hopes and dreams for this relationship and a future with this person. Because of their lies, you were very likely led to believe that they wanted the same things you did out of life—perhaps a happy family, marriage, travel, monogamy, love and respect, etc. Now you are realizing this was all a story concocted to trick you so you would be an eternal source of attention and adoration for them. You have awakened to the fact that the string of broken promises would never truly end and you were being manipulated all along.
Realizing the relationship you poured your heart into was a hoax is emotional rock bottom. Your dignity, self-esteem, self-worth, self-respect, and perhaps reputation, are essentially in the gutter. You may wonder if you are worth being in a relationship at all. You may question your value. If your ex attacked your looks or flirted with others in front of you, you may have problems with your appearance—even looking in the mirror—and you may question your purpose in life or if it is even worth living. The damage to a survivor’s self-esteem can be far reaching. Many survivors of emotional and physical abuse will attest that their psychological scars lasted long after their bruises healed. It takes intense, persistent work to overcome emotional abuse and repair the wounds that have been left by the abuser. It is not an easy road, however, it can be done.
Tip: Support, Support, Support. Again, find your tribe. Surround yourself with your close-knit community of people in your life that will validate, support, and protect you. This may be a community advocate that works with survivors of abuse, or it may be your therapist. It may be your attorney, your mother, your sister, or your friend. In addition, do the work you need to do on yourself. Own your wounds and know the parts of yourself that need attention and healing. Journal. Go to therapy. Dance. Do something creative. Meditate. Go to yoga. Run. Smash plates. Scream at the top of your lungs. Laugh until you cry and cry until you laugh. LOVE yourself. ALL of you—not just the highlight reel. Radical self-acceptance is key to coming out of this alive. Be your own best friend. Slowly, you will see that you can have moments of happiness, followed by hours, followed by days, followed by points where you don’t even think about the abuser. Help is available and healing is possible. You are not alone.
Resources
Narcissistic Abuse Support Groups
Narcissisticabusesupport.com
Psychopathfree.com
Informational Websites & Resources
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233; thehotline.org
The Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness Education and Action: Stoprelationshipabuse.org
Emotional Abuse Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
Books
Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie
Power--Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse: A Collection of Essays on Malignant Narcissism and Recovery from Emotional Abuse by Shahida Arabi
Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie